Always something there to remind me

Back in September, I went for my yearly mammogram.  The hospital had completely changed the Women's Center-- moved walls, offices, new furniture and pictures.  When I went back to the dressing room, I was startled to see they'd left those pictures alone --- the pictures of Williamsburg.  I think I'd told you about them years ago, and when I saw them still there, I felt comforted.  Of course, you are on my mind before, during, and after the mammo, but this was especially tender. 

I couldn't help but wonder how you must've felt when you went for the mammogram and ultra sound that found the tumor.  You had to know it was going to be bad....but maybe not as bad as it was?  I remember every detail of the day you got the biopsy results.  I was in Texas with Looli, sitting on her old black leather sofa.  It was hot, even in the house, and my face flushed like I was embarrassed or had a fever.  You told me all of it - Stage IV, and in your liver.  I don't remember if I went off and cried right then, or waited til that night.  The kids were pretty young and I imagine I didn't want to upset them.

I'm sure Robert doesn't remember you now, but for a long time, every time we said "Meemaw," he would pipe up "Chwisty!"

I miss you so much.  Every day.  All day.

Love,
Mrs. Flaherty

I Know You Would if You Could

Last night, I hit a wall.  I had my knee scoped two plus weeks ago, and it is hurting more than ever.  By the end of the day, I'm in bad, sad shape.  Then, last night I had a Stake Camp meeting to attend.  I am so frustrated by my lack of knowledge about camp, and no one seems to quite know how this year's camp will go (it's at a new place).  Apparently, you are either a Girls' Camp Ninja, or you're poop on the bottom of the ninja's shoes.  You know I'm not a ninja, so there you are.  By the end of our committee meeting, the other two women had set up a meeting time that was convenient for them, even though I was sitting there with my calendar out.  A meeting at 10:00 AM!  They asked if I could be there (even though they never once asked for input) and I said, "No, I work full time, 8-5."  They kind of made some noises and I said I was fine not being there, but I do want to help.  I said I'd do posters, copies, whatever work there was.  I obviously am so inept at making even suggestions, I doubt they'll have me help.  Or, if they do, I'll get sandbagged because the de facto leader is a Pinterest kind of gal.  But claims we're aiming for SIMPLICITY.  (Yeah, right)

I started crying on the way home - all the injustices of the day, week, and future.  I just needed to talk to you.  I know you loved doing Girls Camp and even did it long after you went inactive.  I know it's not my thing, but I want to do a good job and have made extra effort to get to every meeting.  Yet somehow, I'm behind the power curve.  I know I'm good at other things, which means I can be good at more things as well.  I needed you.  You are my In Case of Emergency.  You have a clue about camp (same manual from 20+ years ago) and would reassure me.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep.

I didn't even feel much better when I woke up this morning -- had pain med hang-over and an obnoxious meeting at 10:00 I had to face.  I know you'd contact me if you could.  I knew even when we made that promise neither of us  would be able to do it.    Maybe that was you, last night reminding me that you would if you could.

Tell me there's no drama after this life.  I really need to hear that.

I can't believe you left

Mom and CW are driving me nuts.  They are always getting offended and asking me to intervene.  Most of the time I want to say GROW THE HELL UP!  Of course, I don't.  That's not my assignment in the family.  Sometimes, I don't know if I'll last without blowing up.

I have to go to a funeral tonight.  My former boss down the hall has a daughter who died -- in a most tragic and needless manner.  (I've wondered if you connect with people I've known, wherever you are)  It's probably going to finish the destruction of their family -- mother has mental illness and all the accompanying mess.  I kind of miss not having a funeral or anything for you.  It doesn't really matter, in the long run, I suppose.  Might have been nice, though.

I see things on FB or online and I want to call you about them, or send to you.  Occasionally I will post something in your honor.

I can't really talk about you in my family.  CrankyPants claims (wrongly) that I've made you into Jr.  I swear I haven't -- I don't have enough melodrama in me to do that.  But he loves to go for the jugular, and basically wants me to shut up.  We had our anniversary and all I can think is, how much longer?  I am guilty of what I despised about our mom -- staying because of money.  It seems to be getting more and more difficult to get along....I can look back and see the various points that killed bits of me. If I am ever free, I will never get involved again.  I'd rather die.  He has killed any hope of companionship or even liking another person, long term.  (What was that about melodrama?)

I hear from YourBoy occasionally and am so flattered.  He even asks what I think about different things.  I don't care if he is schmoozing, I need it.

I'm so afraid something will happen and I won't be able to have the time to do the things I want when I retire.  But then I think of being around CrankyPants all day and I want to poke my eyeballs out.  Sometimes I think I should go back to a counselor, but effort like that seems too exhausting.  Everything is too exhausting.  I think I am in a deep funk, but don't really care about coming out.

Have I mentioned how much I miss you?

It's Been a Year

Tuesday was one year since you died.  I still can barely comprehend that you left.  I no longer cry every night, and that makes me sad.  I need you so much, almost every day. 

Petunia had her gallbladder out last week, and has had trouble with infection since then.  She did get disability and we are so grateful for that.

I got my left eye operated on for cataracts and got the toric lens implant!  Next week, I'll get my right eye.  The difference in my vision is very wearing and tiresome.

The ManChild's ManCub will be one in a few weeks.  I hate that Dad never got to see my grandchildren.  Mom isn't very interested in mine, just CW's.

I talked to Mom last night - she actually called me!  How great is that?!  She said she cried most of Tuesday.  I wish she had something to occupy her time, that didn't stress her out, make her angry, or take advantage of her.  That pretty much rules out everything.

How come I never feel you close?  Am I concentrating too hard?  What can I do?  All the NDE things I read talk about relaxing and being open....maybe my mind is simply too full.

Was That You?

A couple of nights ago, I thought I heard someone in my room, and I had a sudden memory of your voice.  Part of me thinks it was you, but it wasn't anything too significant.  I think writing this blog has really helped me.

Christmas always makes me think of us growing up.  The funny thing is, most of my memories are from the 3 years we lived on Spanish Oak Drive.  All my other memories of other places are fuzzy-- until I was in college.

We're going to St. George for the weekend.  I don't feel like I can leave Petunia, so I told her if she didn't come, I wouldn't go.  It's SO HARD.  I know the other kids are pissed, altho Rosebud saw for herself what she looked like before going to the hospital.  I'm filled with guilt for how I felt about my parents and Baby Brother.  It's so different when it is your CHILD.

I haven't heard from your kids - I'm planning to send them a little something for Christmas.  Your #2 has gone back to the maiden name, I noticed.  #1 is involved in his play.

I love and miss you so much.  Please help me.

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING

I didn't get a chance to post over the Thanksgiving holidays -- I am trying to fly under the radar with this blog.

Tuesday evening, Petunia checked herself in to inpatient psychiatry and stayed til yesterday.  Over and above the worry, I really count on her help.  On the other hand, DH and I didn't argue at all.

Thanksgiving came, and with it much drama between Mom and CW.  Sometimes I want to scream at them that this isn't middle school, it's our lives!  Mom is trying her best to get offended and dredge up and fester old hurts.  I really felt like I should have been spared, as I was already having a tough time.  But no, it's always about them.

Grammy and I took the 2 kids on the Polar Express on Friday night and then I had the kids spend the night.  We had tons of fun - and it wasn't too cold.  It was Rosebud and DSIL anniversary on Friday.

Sometimes, I just want a stinking break from all the drama.  Since Petunia's gig was a total surprise to me (and much worse than simple psychosis), now I feel unbalanced.  I'll be crisis habituated again for a long time.  It robs me of enjoying the present, because I never know when the crisis will hit.  It makes me feel like anything and everything can/will fall apart.

You are really the only one I had to talk to - and understood the mom and CW thing.  Sometimes just having someone to talk to can relieve a lot of my stress.  I've been seriously thinking of going back to therapy....I'd need a new therapist and it's exhausting to explain everything.

I'm losing my sense of humor....

A bright spot:  Today is Pippy's 5th birthday.  Where does the time go???

Could have grown a human

Dear Mrs. Jones,

It's been nine months today since you left this earth.  Someone could have grown a baby in 9 months.  In some ways it feels so long ago, but in others, like it was yesterday.  I keep thinking of things to tell you, or send to you, or ask you about. 

I was at TJMAXX and saw Elizabeth Arden Green Tea perfume.  I felt like I had been sucker punched in my gut.  I wanted to tell you about the new additional Green Tea blends.

I went to get my hair cut with CW and Mom.  I desperately needed someone to reassure me that I'm not the one who's "off."  BTW, I think KimJ likes CW better than me.  Her hair always looks divine, and I look frumpy.  The cuts are OK, but not how she styles me.  Just sayin'.  She wouldn't be the first to like CW better.

I sent your kids Thanksgiving cards.  I'm certain this will be a hard 6-7 weeks for them.  I'd been thinking about The Religious One and sent her a card also.  I cannot believe she is 72.  I'm still struck by the injustice of Sergeant dying, and you being sick and dying while the LVDuo are still partying.  Tell me this doesn't matter.  I need reassurance.

Is that you, when I hear "Home"?  It always makes me think of you.  I need to feel you nearby.  When my friend CJ died, I felt her with me for a LONG time.  But not with Dad, or you, or the Chooby Little Booger.  Why is that?

I'm getting CW some caching stuff for Christmas.  If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them.  You'd come up with something uber cool, I know.  And what in the world can I get mom?  Help a sista out.

Thinking of you today and always,

Mrs. Flaherty