I can't believe you left

Mom and CW are driving me nuts.  They are always getting offended and asking me to intervene.  Most of the time I want to say GROW THE HELL UP!  Of course, I don't.  That's not my assignment in the family.  Sometimes, I don't know if I'll last without blowing up.

I have to go to a funeral tonight.  My former boss down the hall has a daughter who died -- in a most tragic and needless manner.  (I've wondered if you connect with people I've known, wherever you are)  It's probably going to finish the destruction of their family -- mother has mental illness and all the accompanying mess.  I kind of miss not having a funeral or anything for you.  It doesn't really matter, in the long run, I suppose.  Might have been nice, though.

I see things on FB or online and I want to call you about them, or send to you.  Occasionally I will post something in your honor.

I can't really talk about you in my family.  CrankyPants claims (wrongly) that I've made you into Jr.  I swear I haven't -- I don't have enough melodrama in me to do that.  But he loves to go for the jugular, and basically wants me to shut up.  We had our anniversary and all I can think is, how much longer?  I am guilty of what I despised about our mom -- staying because of money.  It seems to be getting more and more difficult to get along....I can look back and see the various points that killed bits of me. If I am ever free, I will never get involved again.  I'd rather die.  He has killed any hope of companionship or even liking another person, long term.  (What was that about melodrama?)

I hear from YourBoy occasionally and am so flattered.  He even asks what I think about different things.  I don't care if he is schmoozing, I need it.

I'm so afraid something will happen and I won't be able to have the time to do the things I want when I retire.  But then I think of being around CrankyPants all day and I want to poke my eyeballs out.  Sometimes I think I should go back to a counselor, but effort like that seems too exhausting.  Everything is too exhausting.  I think I am in a deep funk, but don't really care about coming out.

Have I mentioned how much I miss you?