I Know You Would if You Could

Last night, I hit a wall.  I had my knee scoped two plus weeks ago, and it is hurting more than ever.  By the end of the day, I'm in bad, sad shape.  Then, last night I had a Stake Camp meeting to attend.  I am so frustrated by my lack of knowledge about camp, and no one seems to quite know how this year's camp will go (it's at a new place).  Apparently, you are either a Girls' Camp Ninja, or you're poop on the bottom of the ninja's shoes.  You know I'm not a ninja, so there you are.  By the end of our committee meeting, the other two women had set up a meeting time that was convenient for them, even though I was sitting there with my calendar out.  A meeting at 10:00 AM!  They asked if I could be there (even though they never once asked for input) and I said, "No, I work full time, 8-5."  They kind of made some noises and I said I was fine not being there, but I do want to help.  I said I'd do posters, copies, whatever work there was.  I obviously am so inept at making even suggestions, I doubt they'll have me help.  Or, if they do, I'll get sandbagged because the de facto leader is a Pinterest kind of gal.  But claims we're aiming for SIMPLICITY.  (Yeah, right)

I started crying on the way home - all the injustices of the day, week, and future.  I just needed to talk to you.  I know you loved doing Girls Camp and even did it long after you went inactive.  I know it's not my thing, but I want to do a good job and have made extra effort to get to every meeting.  Yet somehow, I'm behind the power curve.  I know I'm good at other things, which means I can be good at more things as well.  I needed you.  You are my In Case of Emergency.  You have a clue about camp (same manual from 20+ years ago) and would reassure me.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep.

I didn't even feel much better when I woke up this morning -- had pain med hang-over and an obnoxious meeting at 10:00 I had to face.  I know you'd contact me if you could.  I knew even when we made that promise neither of us  would be able to do it.    Maybe that was you, last night reminding me that you would if you could.

Tell me there's no drama after this life.  I really need to hear that.